Hey, gays: Move 
into a house near 
me please

We’ve all heard the tongue-in-cheek statement: please, gay people, move into a house on my street — the real estate values are sure to shoot up. The assumption is that gay people, stereotypically gay men, take good care of their homes and gardens. Of course, the idea is flawed on many levels.

First of all, just because a house near yours looks nice doesn’t mean the price of your unkempt shit-hole will skyrocket. How about everybody care for their own house and, hey, good things will happen?

But is there any truth in the notion? Any at all? Well, kinda. Young couples with disposable incomes are more likely to spend money on their home than, for example, a couple with children who are more focused on getting through the day without a little one eating mud and doing something potentially life-threatening. With the adoption laws still being as archaic as they are in this country (in most states anyway), most gay couples that buy or rent a house don’t have kids.

But the bigger stereotype is that gay people are largely more stylish than straight people are. It’s kind of like the “all black guys have a large manhood” chestnut. Right-minded people know that you can’t lump groups of people together like that and, even if you can, nobody should want to be recognized for something so shallow. It’s a way of compartmentalizing y’all. So if you’re sat there thinking, “Hey, I’m stylish. Nothing wrong with that,” you’re missing the point. You’re also a rounded and complex human, so to be known as “the gay dude with nice clothes” is to minimize your potential. That’s what the privileged in power want.

And then there are the many gay people I’ve known who give less of a damn about their home décor and clothing than many straight people I’ve known. You’re out there, you hairy, sweaty, glorious men and disheveled women who, thank God, have more important things to worry about as you go about your full lives. Don’t stand for it. Leave a trashed car on your driveway. Wear sweatpants and a crop top in Walmart. Continue to succeed at work and school. We all know that you’re far more than a realtor’s plus point.

The truth is, those ideas were likely dreamed up by self-loathing homophobes. The kind of homophobes who swear that they’re not homophobes because they knew a gay guy once. The idea of gay people kissing and canoodling is uncomfortable enough for them to have to divert their attention elsewhere in order to say something nice. “Ohhh, look at the clothes and houses.” It’s bull.

In fact, try that. Make your garden look pretty, put on some Prada (nothing like going old school with the stereotypes), and then make out on your front yard. If the neighbors are as delighted to have you there as they say they are, they’ll stand and applaud.